Why why why! I thought things were going so well! I know ian menat well with that email yesterday! who else got it? i cant handle comments or questions about things that are goin on at the moment! Band is hard enough at the mo im going to be so worried on tuesday and be on edge about everything if I go im so worried now! I hope my email made sense to Glen i need to no he is probably going to think I am mad! which maybe I am! I dont think he wud have known up until then how much things have affected me and part of my reason for not being at band! I dont know whether to email Keith about it all! I just dont no anything anymore! Grrrrrrr
Alex is levin facebook as he left a message on ther last nite that was the only real way for me to keep an eye on him! How can I cope now!
Work is a pain in the arse after 20mins yesterday I just wanted 2 go home Id had enuf it was so tirin espesh with my hip hurting nd it stil does now! Hope its better today I really cant cope! dont wanna work 2day! hope it will take my mind off things as the only ppl that no anything is Neil and Steph! nd i no they wont say anything espesh 2 management as they just use i against me!
ONly one gd bit yesterday was at Judy and Davids it was great! they r like a 2nd set of parents since i came to Bramford Road! Gotta luv a power cut! at a meetin if it had carried on it wud have bin the quickest meeting ever! I love it that I have my voice heard and it is listened too and respected!
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
Band
Glad I went last night even tho Im shattered today! I blame Keith for my sleep he jynxed it by saying Id sleep better! well i did kinda as in not waking up in the night but didnt get that long in the first place! What Keith said is true bout backing off! I just need to let them get on with it however much it hurts as it will only cause more problems in the long run! and just be ther wen it all kicks off again which it will!
Work isnt actually too bad at the mo which is gd i still dont want 2 stay there but I can cope for a little while if it stays like this!
Im resisitng txting Alex even tho i so want to! I no he needs the space to sort things outits just so frustrating!
Shud have a gd nite tonite goin 2 judys after work for a gd catch-up before the meeting tonite! Gotta be ready to stand my ground! Im gd at that!
Work isnt actually too bad at the mo which is gd i still dont want 2 stay there but I can cope for a little while if it stays like this!
Im resisitng txting Alex even tho i so want to! I no he needs the space to sort things outits just so frustrating!
Shud have a gd nite tonite goin 2 judys after work for a gd catch-up before the meeting tonite! Gotta be ready to stand my ground! Im gd at that!
Monday, 24 May 2010
First day bac at work
My first day back at work was actually ok!!! part fromm i was shattered nd my knees and feet hurt! and I had to keep blowing my nose stupid cold! I should be in the gd books as i did an argos card and insurance!
My neck has finally calmed down a bit! I need to listen to landon more often about sun cream!!!
Hope i sleep better 2nite last night was crap kept waking up and had the weirdest dreams all to do with ppl that i no but silly and strange circumstances!
Hope i feel ok to go to band 2nite i wish this cold wud go away it aint helping my mood! i may just go nd play wat i cn and make the tea nd do the washing up. As it lifted my mood abit last wk just bein ther wer harldy any1 knew wats bin goin on just to forget bout things at times and do something I love!
I really miss Alex i cant get him out of my mind! i woke up in the middle of the nite nd just wanted to be in his arms! to just feel safe and secure which is something i havnt felt for awhile. I need to try 2 move on but i cant i just want him i no he feels the same y do our circumstances have to be like this! I want us both 2 be happy ppl!!!
My neck has finally calmed down a bit! I need to listen to landon more often about sun cream!!!
Hope i sleep better 2nite last night was crap kept waking up and had the weirdest dreams all to do with ppl that i no but silly and strange circumstances!
Hope i feel ok to go to band 2nite i wish this cold wud go away it aint helping my mood! i may just go nd play wat i cn and make the tea nd do the washing up. As it lifted my mood abit last wk just bein ther wer harldy any1 knew wats bin goin on just to forget bout things at times and do something I love!
I really miss Alex i cant get him out of my mind! i woke up in the middle of the nite nd just wanted to be in his arms! to just feel safe and secure which is something i havnt felt for awhile. I need to try 2 move on but i cant i just want him i no he feels the same y do our circumstances have to be like this! I want us both 2 be happy ppl!!!
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Penticost
I have had a gd day today! Altho Im shattered and my feet hurt nd still got a bit of a cold!
Have had a gd day being able to chill nd mostly forget bout things till a friend asked me bout Alex ohwell she wasnt to no i hadnt told her yet! Gottaa luv a gd sing on the cornhill with couple hundred christians! nd some great friends! and a gorgeous nephew!
Only bad bit of the day was taking bac Landon he didnt want to go! i felt so cruel hope he doesnt hate me! I hope this week carrys on ok cause dont think i cud cope wit anymore upset! Back to work 2moro see how it goes! gotta tell ppl bout Alex if they ask! need o b brief nd just say wer havin space as wer both goin thru some stuff! which is true!
Have had a gd day being able to chill nd mostly forget bout things till a friend asked me bout Alex ohwell she wasnt to no i hadnt told her yet! Gottaa luv a gd sing on the cornhill with couple hundred christians! nd some great friends! and a gorgeous nephew!
Only bad bit of the day was taking bac Landon he didnt want to go! i felt so cruel hope he doesnt hate me! I hope this week carrys on ok cause dont think i cud cope wit anymore upset! Back to work 2moro see how it goes! gotta tell ppl bout Alex if they ask! need o b brief nd just say wer havin space as wer both goin thru some stuff! which is true!
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Saturday!
I was having a gd day was feeling very motivated! cleaned the kitchen nd baked! there stuff i shud be doin but im really not in the mood anymore! All I want is a hug from Alex!
grrr why did life had 2 turn out like this! hope 2moro morning shud be a gd service!
Still dont know if im gonna get to see landon or Hallie again! Its not fair!!!
I was doing so well! grrrrrrr!!!!
Stupid cold! wish it wud go away then i wudnt constantly need to blow my nose!
Still dont know if im gonna get to see landon or Hallie again! Its not fair!!!
I was doing so well! grrrrrrr!!!!
Stupid cold! wish it wud go away then i wudnt constantly need to blow my nose!
Friday, 21 May 2010
Grrr
Why why why he doesnt talk 2 me 4 ages then all i get is bout gma yea i no i shudnt have forgot but ive had so much else 2 worry bout this week!
Need to let it go!!!!!! Breathe
Today hasnt been too bad managed to not cry 2day so gotta b a gd thing!
Need to keep myself busy 2moro as that seems 2 b working!
Hopefully time permitting get 2 speak 2 alan at somepoint during the wk!
Need to sort my head out nd get it in the game! lol
Back to work nxt wk least i got a few extra hrs hope i can cope!
Why why why he doesnt talk 2 me 4 ages then all i get is bout gma yea i no i shudnt have forgot but ive had so much else 2 worry bout this week!
Need to let it go!!!!!! Breathe
Today hasnt been too bad managed to not cry 2day so gotta b a gd thing!
Need to keep myself busy 2moro as that seems 2 b working!
Hopefully time permitting get 2 speak 2 alan at somepoint during the wk!
Need to sort my head out nd get it in the game! lol
Back to work nxt wk least i got a few extra hrs hope i can cope!
Thursday, 20 May 2010
Today
Grrrrrrr.....
I cant cope wit all this again! What to do I dont know! Wish I could stop the tears from coming! I dont want to feel like this but how to stop it!
Work- I dont want to go back but what choice do I have! Everytime ive applied for a job it hasnt worked out! maybe im useless! I dont no wat i want to do!Do I want ot go back to childcare or something different I just dont no!
Alex- I love him nd want to be wit him! maybe its my fault all my last 3 now exs have said they cant be wit me cause of ther state of mind! Must b my fault wat did I do wrong! Its not fair!!!!! I just want to b wit him in his arms nd feel safe!
Family- Why wont she get out of the relationship I dont understand she puts that she loves him but wont say it too our faces!!!!!!!!! He is controlling and she knows it! I love Landon to pieces nd want to have that same bond wit Hallie I dont want to loose either of them if i did i cudnt go on! I want everything to b ok! I really cant stand HIM wish he wud disapear wud solve the problems!!!! That sounds so unchristian i no i dont want to think like that!
Band- I no they love me to bits I feel bad that i missed rehursals nd its so difficult once i missed a couple to go bac at least a few know some of wats been happening so that will be easier i cant b dealin wit lots of questions about it!!!! Wat Keith said is true im a nice person nd ppl take advantage of that! What he said about nic sounds true the way she is acting but thers nuttin i can do which is really frustrating!!!!
Bible Study- I felt like such a fraud yesterday the way i am feeling Im hoping talkin to Alan will help! Hes got so much to worry about
I just want life to b normal watever that is just to b able to b happy for once
I cant cope wit all this again! What to do I dont know! Wish I could stop the tears from coming! I dont want to feel like this but how to stop it!
Work- I dont want to go back but what choice do I have! Everytime ive applied for a job it hasnt worked out! maybe im useless! I dont no wat i want to do!Do I want ot go back to childcare or something different I just dont no!
Alex- I love him nd want to be wit him! maybe its my fault all my last 3 now exs have said they cant be wit me cause of ther state of mind! Must b my fault wat did I do wrong! Its not fair!!!!! I just want to b wit him in his arms nd feel safe!
Family- Why wont she get out of the relationship I dont understand she puts that she loves him but wont say it too our faces!!!!!!!!! He is controlling and she knows it! I love Landon to pieces nd want to have that same bond wit Hallie I dont want to loose either of them if i did i cudnt go on! I want everything to b ok! I really cant stand HIM wish he wud disapear wud solve the problems!!!! That sounds so unchristian i no i dont want to think like that!
Band- I no they love me to bits I feel bad that i missed rehursals nd its so difficult once i missed a couple to go bac at least a few know some of wats been happening so that will be easier i cant b dealin wit lots of questions about it!!!! Wat Keith said is true im a nice person nd ppl take advantage of that! What he said about nic sounds true the way she is acting but thers nuttin i can do which is really frustrating!!!!
Bible Study- I felt like such a fraud yesterday the way i am feeling Im hoping talkin to Alan will help! Hes got so much to worry about
I just want life to b normal watever that is just to b able to b happy for once
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